Tutu mkpa

Nico

“A baby that doesn’t have money,” I plopped onto the couch, and watched as she made faces at it. The baby cooed and drooled, her brown eyes devoid of sorrow “She is broke.”

“But she makes me happy.” Seraphina said as she picked up her baby “I think of her as my best friend.

“My dear, I already have one broke best friend, I most definitely do not need another.”

Seraphina made her best hurt face. “You cannot be her favourite uncle with a shitty attitude like that.”

I watch as she sways slowly, lulling her baby to sleep. Seraphina had run away from home when she found out she was pregnant. The crippling fear that her mother would kill her, or die from the disappointment was her driving factor. Her father passed when she was three, and she lived her life trying to make sure all mother’s sacrifices were worth it.

“I’m her only ‘uncle’.” I said matter-of-factly, “The fact remains, in these Buhari times, a baby is not an economically sound decision.”

“You that doesn’t have a baby, are you rich?”

“Rich-er than you.”

She laughs loudly, before remembering her sleeping child and going silent.

I know how much these two matter to me. I don’t know if I show it as often as I should. But they’re the only family I have.

Seraphina.

He’s an asshole. But he cares a lot about his two broke best friends. Nico was the first to figure out where I’d run to. All it took was him counting the keys to his empty family house in Uyo. A week later he drove cross state and was at his door with food and other supplies. ‘The dead will not use the house guy,” he had said ‘Stay as long as you need.’

“When is she old enough to do chores?” He asks. I look down at my baby; Alice was at her most peaceful when she was fed and asleep. The sleepless nights these last six months needed to cease so I’d become sane again. “She’s queen in this house and you know that.”

Nico groans “so she doesn’t pay any bills, she eats and sleeps and shits herself.” “Y’know, normal baby stuff.” I reply

Most people assumed Nico was the father of my child. He refused to deny it. Not denying that he was the father meant the truth remained untold. He put UT’s name on the birth certificate without my knowledge and didn’t listen to my arguments against him doing that. If accommodating his rants about the horrors was a price I had to pay, I laid gladly.

“The lack of women rubbing their midterm bellies is all the advertisment my pullout game requires.” He leaned back with his hands behind his head.

“That, or you’re infertile.” “True.”

He chuckles lightly and I cannot help but admire his smile. I place Alice in her bed and walk to his side. “I know you say it’s nothing, but I must thank you for everything. “

“Guy, it’s calm.” He said

I feared that when I had my child, looking at her would be a reminder of the circumstances of her conception, that I would be unable to love her completely because having her meant I’d lost a part of myself. All my fears vanished the moment I held her.

“I noticed you sneaking the latest girl into the apartment. It is your house you know.”

“Body no be firewood.” He says, giving me that irritating smile “It is enough she will scream the while place down. Cannot come and be making noise with our arrival.

“Yeah. I get that.” I am about to bring up screening for STDs when he says “Before you say it, I’ve just gotten all the panels done mbok, I’m actually clean.”

“Praiiiise master Jesus!” I raise my hand like I’m about to give a testimony.

Nico cannot stop laughing. He says I’m not funny but just look at him. Rubbish

“Do you ever plan on settling down?” I ask, though I know my answer “You’re getting old.”

“I’m only Twenty-five.”

“Your sperm dey slow down baba.” I say. He mimicks me, raising his voice.

“I’m a domestic man. I work hard to take care of my two children.”

Nico got up, walked to the fridge and took a beer. He saved his wine for his women because ‘red wine goes straight to your genitals.’

“I’m not your child! We graduated together.” “Do you have money?”
I roll my eyes “I don’t have money.”

“There’s a simple solution to that.” Nico uses his ring to open his ring; I still haven’t figured out that particular trick. He wants me to get a job and he insists we can figure out an arrangement for watching Alice.

“I get a job?” I offer.

“You’ll get one of those either way. I was thinking more about-” he trailed off.

“About what òdè?”

“Marrying me.” He doesn’t look up at me.

His answer stuns me.

“Plis dear.” I toss a pillow at him. He catches it, his expression unchanged. “I’m serious.”

“You’re a whore, Nico.”

“True.”

“So why propose this path.”

“Because love.”

“You’re not in love with me.” I reply

“True. I love you though.” He drops the pillow on the couch and walks towards me “And broke as Aly is right now, I love her.”

“I’m not your spec.”

“I’m not my spec’s spec dear. Let’s cut the bullshit,” I am now within his arm’s reach “I want to give you a speech about how what I was looking for was sleeping on my couch bed because she refused to take my room this entire time, but I’d be lying.”

“Ouch.”

“I was not looking is all. But I’ve found that I’m the man I am today because I live for more than me. I live for Aly, I live for you.”

I still don’t believe him. “Oya dead this thing guy.”

Nico comes closer. The day we did the tests and I was pregnant, he sat by me and watched me cry for a while. He then reminded me that not doing drugs or alcohol for the next few years was really the only con. That and my mother’s death glare. “Later you’ll say I’m never serious.”

“But you’re not.’

“This I’m serious about. Your friendship means the world to me guy. I have you and Aly. I don’t need anything else.”

“Your life-”

“Was given meaning by you guys.” Nico pulls back and smiles “Think about it.”

He walks to where Alice is asleep and bends to kiss her head. “E go be.”

Nico.

She thinks I’m joking.

Seraphina.

He’s building up to the biggest prank of our entire friendship. He will not succeed.

Nico.

I don’t like this girl. I have it all figured out and she’s not going to have it. Granted I’ve done nothing to prove my fidelity but it sucks that I’m not getting across to her. I’m just going to fall back before I push too much.

UT wasn’t a coward. He was the best man I knew and the day we found out she was pregnant and she finally told him, he stood by her throughout the ordeal and never left. Her mother found out and came into town with the fire of religion and whatnot. Sera runs, I find her, tell UT to come too and then it goes to shit.

The car was barely recognisable after the crash. Seraphina was inconsolable; She was going to get rid of the child. Getting rid of the baby would’ve devastated her even more.

I was terrified too. I knew I had to step up and be the friend I’d hyped myself up to be. Some days courage fled from my body and I thought to abandon her. She had no one else. If I had to pretend to be strong for her, I would pretend everyday for as long as she needed me. One day I realised I wasn’t pretending to be strong. Loving her, loving Aly, made me strong.

I was sure this was the right decision. Maybe I was too sober.

Seraphina.

I found Nico at the balcony sitting in a foldable chair. He’d rolled a blunt and was already smoking. “I’d offer you some,”

“But I’m breastfeeding.”

“Yep.”

He takes a drag and holds his breathe for a few seconds, letting out. He’s usually more talkative when he smokes, but he stayed silent, barely acknowledging my presence. I didn’t know what to say. Feelings were not something I’d processed efficiently for a while. I love Nico; he is my best friend in the entire world. I know I must do right by him.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not.” He replies “It simply makes sense.”

“Again what about love?”

“Is there no love here?” He leans back “Love broke me. You would know.”

My voice is a whisper “I do.”

Nico puts out the blunt. He takes a deep breath and looks at me, offering a smile. “I have everything I need,” he says “Why would I give it up?”

I’m about to speak when he raises his hand. “I will not push. I completely understand your point of view.”

“You do?”

“Yeah.” Nico puts out the blunt and leans forward from his chair.

“Thank you, Nico.”

“You never have to say that.” He takes my hand “It’s getting late. We should go inside.”

Seraphina.

Aly would not stop crying. I’d done everything, changed her, fed her and all that motherly stuff. In retrospect, I could’ve stayed home that day. Not gone to man’s room.

“Body no be firewood.” Nico had said when I asked if going to UT for coitus, “don’t disturb me, go and see him please.”

Twenty months later I’m here staring at a beautiful child; My child. I barely had time for any fun activities but yunno, I wasn’t going out before so am i really losing? I spend time with my “broke bestfriend” and it’s been the most fun I’ve ever had. Nico…

I realise that it was nine pm and Nico was not back yet. He usually came back early on Sundays because he had work to prepare for. I knew he was an adult and could take care of himself, but I felt the worry creep slowly towards me as time passed by.

It’s not like he hadn’t come home late before; He’d call if he was and besides, it was his house, not home.

Few hours passed and worry overwhelmed me by this point. His numbers were unavailable or switched off. I noticed I was hyperventilating. Ely had woken and was crying. I carried her and swayed “Don’t worry Ely, Nic is fine.”

He has to be.
He did not come back that night.

Nico.

The absurdity of tow trucks in this town. I could do the same thing with say, a seatbelt cord, but it’s illegal to tow my car myself and I have to pay this guy to use a rickety car to tow mine. The guy took hours to arrive and he was the last call I made before my phone died.

I ended up sleeping in a nearby hotel. The receptionist squeezed face when I asked if they have POS “Oga it is 2am. Please go and sleep, we will discuss payment in the morning.”

I lay down and was I asleep before I knew it. In retrospect I should have switched on my phone when I finally plugged it, but sleep was all that came to my mind after my shitshow of a Friday night. At least it did not end in tears.

Early in the morning I was up and thought for a second about sneaking out so that the idiot receptionist that ignored me will Hear Wehh, but my Christ-like characteristics shone through. I switch on my phone and receive notifications for over fifteen calls from Seraphina, and messages asking me where I am and asking that I call her back.

Hay God.

I call her back and she picks her call almost before the phone rang on my side. “Guyy.”

“Nsido? What is it that you want?”

She sounds like she’s been crying “Fuck you.” She says “Why haven’t you been online? Your phone wasn’t ringing sef.”

“Mma my battery died. The car had an issue and refused to start. I was stranded for hours with no phone and slept off once I got to the hotel.” I want to apologise when she speaks again.

“Fuck you.”

“See ehn.” I raise my voice in exaspertaion. “I’ve had a shit day, don’t come and be cussing mbok.”

“Oya don’t vex.” She eases up, relief flooding into her voice

“I’ll be in the house in a bit.”

“Okay, come home.”

I want to point out that she called my place “home” but I don’t want to get into an argument till I saw her face.”

She’d been a constant in my life for the last eight years and somehow still found new ways to annoy me. I hung up and waited for my ordered cab. Two hours later I was dodging and blocking her slaps. Aly was awake and observing us through the bars of her cot.

“What is the issue her please?” I ask the baby.

“I was worried guy. If you come back with woman it’s good, don’t be ghosting on me like that.” She slaps my shoulder

“Breathe Phi.” I laugh and catch the pillow she aims at me “Everything will go to you and Aly when I’m gone.”

She stiffens. I realise my mistake too late. “I didn’t mea-”
“Don’t say that!” She suddenly falls to the couch and I rush to her side. “I am sorry G.”

I feel her heart pounding against her ribs when I pull her in for a hug. I had scared her and then made it worse by talking about my death.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I say as she begins to sob. I do not let go till Phi’s tears subside. She takes a deep breath and looks at me. “I didn’t mean to-”

My apology is interrupted by Phi pulling me in for a kiss. The taste of the expensive toothpaste she clearly stole from my bathroom lingers in her mouth. I kiss her back and cup her face in my hands; her heart rate is increasing. Even me that is talking sef.

We let go of each other and her expression remains unchanged.

Seraphina

I clean the tears from my eyes. This idiot is about to make some witty comment.

He holds his hand up as if he wants to ask his teacher a question “I’m confused.”

I roll my eyes “What?”

“While the kiss was great and whatnot, what changed?” He says, “cus I’m still not over six feet or a Saudi prince.”

“You’re Nico.”

“Yes. I am aware of this fact.”
I walk to the other side of the room and pick up Aly. “Broke girl okay?”

“Stop calling my child broke.”

“Sorry.”

“We work, you know.”
Nico smiles at me “I know. If you recall I already made a proposal.”

“I have a few modifications to make.” Nico raises his imaginary notepad and pretends to take notes.

“You can’t be a hoe anymore”

“Retired. Effective immediately.” He nods.

“You won’t do that thing you do where you make me feel like I have to make a decision immediately.”

“Done.”

“If we marry it’s at the registry.”

He raises his hands “That particular one our mothers will kill us; my own is ghost so that one is Okoto skrr.”

He’s right

“Oya big white.”

“Big white. Big traditional. Big introduction. They will not do anything small madam.” I’m about to speak when he takes my hand. “Think about the wedding as a chance to pepper your enemies. Dem dan laugh you die.”

He thinks he’s funny. He is not.

Some people love like a match. Bright and intense at first but gone in an instant. Some have their lights snuffed out by series of unfortunate events. Nico was not one of those people.

Nicolai was the name he chose during his Catholic Confirmation. He was like a mathematics teacher; no matter the crisis, his period will hold. He was unchanging, and steady, which was unusual for someone so chaotic. I knew he was serious about us getting married but it made no sense.

“So we go steady.” she tilts her head sideways

“Tutu mkpa.” He said. Till death.

One year later

Nico

I look back after I sign under my name and see Aly, trying to fit an obviously large toy in her mouth. Why do babies have to be so dumb. I look at Phi as she signs her signature, which I know how to sign almost as good as she could. We’re in court so we’re official, because when you love someone you must involve the Government.

I knew that I wanted this. To be husband to Phi and father to Aly. Loving them is one of the few things I’m good at in this world. I spot some of our friends in the crowd, happy for their support. Granted some of them have over the years pointed out that we might as well get together but they get no credit for this. This was all due to flawless wooing on my part.

She was wearing a peach pant-suit and her smiles were absolutely flawless. She finally started working again and was clearly the happiest she had been in years.

Seraphina

He thinks it’s all down to him

Nico

I bend to whisper to Phi “So like are drugs cancelled or are we just going to like reduce quantity again?”

The magistrate frowns at me and a mouth an apology. “You’re officially married. Congratulations.”

This man will not even say kiss the bride? Haba.

Phi leans in and kisses me. I hear my friends hailing me.
“I don’t want to ever not be together.” She says as she pulls away. “Done.”

Seraphina

He better not embarrass me.

Nico

Me I’m happy so I dont know what she’s said yen yen yen embarrassment . I will always do righ by Phi. Tutu Mkpa.

Till death